The Platinum Rule: Treat others the way they want to be treated
Adam Stamm
Managing Partner: Online DISC Profile
My first encounter with the Platinum Rule was when I was 14, working my first summer job at a grocery store during a very common workplace issue: I was scheduled to work on a day when I had a family commitment.
As soon as I realized, I spoke to my supervisor and asked if he could change the schedule. His response was simple: “No. Go see if someone can cover your shift.”
So, I went to my co-worker Tim. I started explaining my family’s commitment and how I forgot to ask for the day off. I included lots of additional details about my family’s event that didn’t really help explain what I was requesting of him.
Exasperated, Tim stopped me and asked, “Adam, what do you want? Do you need someone to cover your shift?”
Tim didn’t care about why I couldn’t work my shift. He just needed the date to see if he could do it.
Platinum Rule Meaning:
The Platinum Rule helps explain why this miscommunication occurred. It states:
- Treat others as they wish to be treated.
The Platinum Rule offers a twist to the Golden Rule (Treat others as we want to be treated).
Going back to my first summer job example, if someone asks me to do something, I love to know the why. It helps me internalize the request.
For my co-worker, Tim, he just needed to know the “what”. If I approach Tim in the way I want someone to approach me, miscommunication can (and did) occur.
The Platinum Rule was popularized by Dr. Tony Alessandra, who recognized that we all have different motivations behind our behavior, making it hard to follow the Golden Rule.
Dr Alessandra states that “the Platinum Rule is simply asking you to talk to people in ways that make it easy for them to listen and managing people in ways that internally motivate them to want to follow.”
The Platinum Rule is simply asking you to talk to people in ways that make it easy for them to listen and managing people in ways that internally motivate them to want to follow.
In this article, we will dig into why the Platinum Rule works in comparison to the Golden Rule. We will dig into specific examples about how you can leverage this concept in practical ways that will make you a more effective communicator and leader.
Table of Contents
The Golden Rule vs. The Platinum Rule
The Golden Rule is thousands of years old, and its teachings are still valuable today. It is essential to help people understand that their behavior has consequences.
As an example, if I were to consider robbing my neighbor, the Golden Rule provides a useful thought experiment to focus on how I would feel if another neighbor were to rob me. Unless you are a psychopath, you will recognize that robbing your neighbor will cause them harm because you would feel harm if they were to rob you.
From an ethical perspective, this is a very positive and beneficial way to live.
However, there are limits to this rule in our modern society, and especially in our workplaces.
Today, we can measure communication preferences using a model called DISC (more on this later). There is strong evidence that many Fortune 100 leaders today have what we call a Dominant, or D personality. This personality type means they prefer direct communication and to be in control. These leaders can get into hot water if they interact with everyone the way they prefer to communicate.
We’ve identified the personality styles of many famous individuals. One well-known individual is Steve Jobs. Jobs preferred to communicate in a direct style (we identified him as having an ID Personality / Influence-Dominant Style based on the 12 Personality Styles). In Walter Isaacson’s book Steve Jobs, you can see how Jobs led with the Golden Rule and spoke directly to everyone. This often got him in trouble, and Isaacson shares many interviews in which Jobs had to go back and make amends for how he treated others.
Jobs led with the Golden Rule, and he communicated exactly how he preferred to be communicated with. This shows how the Golden Rule falls short in today’s workplace because it is ‘self-focused.’ Alternatively, the Platinum Rule is ‘Other-Person Focused’.
As our society continues to grow in complexity, it’s essential to recognize and regulate our own emotions and those of others. This is impossible with the Golden Rule.
| Rule | Focus |
|---|---|
|
The Golden Rule |
“Self-Focused” |
|
The Platinum Rule |
“Other-Person Focused” |
Leaders who have a dominant personality can’t depend on the Golden Rule when it comes to communication.
Their peers, direct reports, or community might be turned away by their behaviors, just like many people were around Steve Jobs.
See How the Platinum Rule Works When The Golden Rule Doesn’t
The Platinum Rule directs us to treat others as they want to be treated, but this advice is often ignored, and the Golden Rule is instead employed.
Below are two Platinum Rule examples that show how the Golden Rule falls short: the relationship between Manager and Direct Report, and Customer Service situations.
Manager and Direct Report Relationships
Using our fictional characters as examples, let’s imagine that Jamal is Ana’s Manager. When Jamal and Ana communicate, their personality colors (DISC Styles) might get in the way of understanding each other.
Jamal is a Dominant (D-Personality). His personality color is red.
Ana is an Influence (I-Personality). Her style is represented by the color yellow.
Below is a fictional dialogue that shows how Jamal and Ana’s personality styles could play out in an office environment:
Ana: Hey Jamal, how was your weekend? Did you do anything fun?
Jamal: Hi Ana, it was good. I want to talk to you about next quarter’s marketing project and the materials you sent me last week. I like what you put together, but I have a few changes. Can I email them to you, or would you like to review them together this morning?
Ana: umm, sure. I guess we can review them now.
In this interaction, Ana is looking to connect with Jamal on a personal level. Jamal wanted to get right to the reason why they were meeting: discussing next quarter’s marketing meeting.
Jamal, knowingly or unknowingly, spoke with Ana in a way he prefers to communicate. As a person with the D-Personality / Red Style, Jamal:
- Communicated/spoke directly.
- Focused on accomplishing tasks.
The interaction between Jamal and Ana was completely harmless and happens often in many different office environments. In relationships built on trust, this interaction will likely remain harmless.
However, if there is any mistrust between Ana and Jamal, this interaction could breed distrust, especially from Ana’s perspective.
Ana communicates a little differently. As a person with the I-Personality / Yellow Style, Ana prefers to:
- Keep conversations light.
- Socialize before jumping into a task.
- Stay open to new ideas and information.
If Ana doesn’t recognize that Jamal is simply interacting with her based on his personality style, she could misinterpret the dialogue as if she did something wrong. There are many more insights from DISC that can help managers communicate much more effectively.
Customer Support and Service Relationships
For this next scenario, we will look at an interaction between Li and Jeremy.
Li is a customer of Jeremy’s company. She subscribes and pays for communication software.
Jeremy works with Li to provide technical support if any issues arise. They don’t interact with each other often, and there was a recent technical issue that arose that caused a major disruption for Li.
Below is a fictitious dialogue between them:
Li: Hi Jeremy, as you know, the outage caused my team a lot of headaches last week. I want understand what happened so this might be prevented in the future.
Jeremy: Hi Li, we worked quickly and resolved the issues last week. Our contract states we are not liable for any issues with the technology.
As a person with the C-Personality / Blue Style, Jeremy prefers to:
- Follow the rules and focus on the task at hand.
- Seeks to be accurate and precise.
- Focuses on facts and details.
Jeremy recounted how he saw the events. Issues with technology will occur and should be expected.
The contract states that.
On the other hand, Li sought to understand why the disruption occurred in the first place. She was seeking ways to prevent instability because she has an S Personality Type / Great Style. Li prefers:
- Stability and processes
- Focusing on building bridges and working on a team.
Jeremy used the Golden Rule and communicated as he likely would prefer. As a Conscientious (Blue Personality), he is focused on accuracy (they fulfilled their end of the contract), but his personality style might have gotten in the way of providing better customer service if he had recognized that Li was looking to understand how they could improve the process in the future.
If Jeremy had paid attention to Li’s personality needs, he could have adapted his response to better meet them and provide a better customer experience. Hopefully, you can start to see how you can improve your overall communication using DISC Styles.
The origins of the Platinum Rule
The Platinum Rule was popularized by Dr. Tony Alessandra in his book titled The Platinum Rule.
Dr. Alessandra talks about how, as a communication specialist, he started to recognize that regional differences made it difficult to use the golden rule, and he wanted to find a better way to help people understand how they should communicate.
Alessandra shares his own experience of growing up in New York City and then moving to San Diego as an adult. He shares that when he tried to talk to San Diegans as a New Yorker, people were turned off because he approached them in a direct, loud manner. He shares that they weren’t turned off by what he was saying, but by how he was saying it.
The Platinum Rule and the DISC Model
You can use a personality model called DISC to understand how the Platinum Rule works. If you are unfamiliar with DISC, you should take our free DISC Assessment to learn your DISC Style.
The free report will provide you with simple insights about your style. You can purchase the full report at any time if you wish to go further with the model.
Here is how you can leverage DISC insights to communicate more effectively using the Platinum Rule:
Communicating with the Dominate Personality (Red/D-Style)
- Use direct statements rather than roundabout questions
- Keep to the agenda
- Provide options and let them decide
- Provide high-level follow-up
Communicating with the Influence Personality (Yellow/I-Style)
- Be upbeat, positive, and warm.
- Allow conversations to flow/be willing to digress from the agenda.
- Share feelings, show emotion.
- Get excited with them.
Communicating with the Steadiness Personality (Green/S-Style)
- Share decision-making and give time and space to make them.
- Use friendly language/tone.
- Be patient and avoid rushing them.
- Get to know them personally.
Communicating with the ConscientiousPersonality (Blue/C-Style)
- Don’t interrupt
- Maintain logical/factual conversations
- Be prepared to answer questions
- Allow time for analysis while setting time for deadlines.
How to Practice Using the Platinum Rule
Practicing the Platinum Rule is fairly simple. To start using the Platinum Rule, listen more than you speak. Next, leverage personality insights from DISC assessments to identify the person’s style so you can adapt how you communicate and interact with them.
| DISC Style | Core Need | Platinum Rule Approach | What to Avoid |
|---|---|---|---|
|
Dominant (Decisive) |
Control & Results |
Be direct, brief, and focus on the bottom line. Give them options, pick up the pace, and let them make the final decision. |
Don’t waste time with small talk, over-explain details, or try to micro-manage them. |
|
Influence (Interactive) |
Recognition & Connection |
Be warm, enthusiastic, and leave room for social interaction. Focus on the “who” and the big picture, and show excitement for their ideas. |
Don’t ignore their feelings, overwhelm them with cold data, or tie them down to rigid routines. |
|
Steadiness (Stabilizing) |
Stability & Cooperation |
Slow down the pace, show genuine appreciation, and give them time to adapt to changes. Be supportive, reliable, and collaborative. |
Don’t push for abrupt changes, force sudden decisions, or act overly aggressive or disruptive. |
|
Conscientiousness (Accuracy) |
Accuracy & Quality |
Be well-prepared, structured, and rely on hard facts, data, and logic. Give them the space and time to analyze details thoroughly. |
Don’t speak in vague generalities, gloss over errors, or force emotional or fast-paced decisions. |
DISC can help guide you to identifying the needs of whoever you are speaking with.
It’s important to approach the Platinum Rule as a skill-based journey. You might succeed in some interactions and fail in others, just like any other new skill.
From an organization’s perspective, these insights could be powerful when adopted during your onboarding process. We go in-depth into how team leaders and organizations could improve their onboarding experience with DISC. Furthermore, we find that the insights can continue to be useful when investigating how to coach and develop teams. It’s especially relevant when you are trying to resolve tension and interpersonal conflict.
To start practicing using the Platinum Rule, take a free DISC profile to learn more about yourself and your behavioral style.